May it change your life for the better
to you
Week after week of cleaning out unsettling amounts of junk and rodent feces from the house I grew up in, I would say to my wife, “better days ahead.”
Those three words got me through what was undoubtedly the toughest stretch of my life.
On the surface, I was mourning the loss of my mom. But deeper down, I was heartbroken (and still am) by the difficult life both of my parents lived, and the missed opportunities for it to have been so much better.
They were both very kind, caring, and loving people who deserved a great life. But they each let that opportunity slip away.
Looking back, I can clearly see it all building into an obvious trajectory towards an unfortunate ending, like a mild breeze developing into a strong wind, then a tropical storm, and ultimately a category 5 hurricane.
Here’s the aftermath of that hurricane …
The interaction between my parents was like fire and gasoline. Two caring people with a long history together, but with impressively unfortunate abilities to ignite each other. For the most part, they lived separately in the same house, even when I was a kid.
My dad spent his “golden” years fading away in the basement – trying to stay out of my mom’s way, not following through on any of his retirement ambitions, and not embracing any of my pleas to take better care of himself. Then came his forgetfulness, his inability to recognize my mom or me, and the eventual need for us to put him in a nursing home.
Much to everyone’s surprise, in the nursing home, he was happier than ever. There was always a giant smile on his face, and the staff there loved him.
Without the cognitive capacity to comprehend stress, his true personality shined through – something that he, and everyone around him, could have likely enjoyed to a much greater extent if he navigated life more proactively.
My mom was already living a secluded life long before my dad went into the nursing home, partly (and sadly) due to being embarrassed by how she had let herself go. By her late 60s, her prior years of smoking caught up to her, confining her to an oxygen machine, among other health concerns. And once my dad was in the nursing home, her predisposition for collecting things grew into full-fledged hoarding.
That, combined with her declining health, led to her living in conditions that the average person would consider unlivable.
Of course, I wanted to help, but she didn’t want any part of the help that she actually needed, and I was never able to convince her otherwise.
When I finally made some progress, it was too late. While she was in the hospital, I cleaned up the house enough to make it much more livable, but she never made it home to enjoy it. (I was at least able to show her pictures, which did make her smile.)
Today would be her 79th birthday, an age at which most people – especially those who take good care of themselves – can reasonably hope to still be thriving and enjoying life.
For both of my parents, their quality of life was already significantly compromised by their mid-60s (even earlier in some ways), and neither of them made it past 76.
What I described above is just scratching the surface. It’s just the sad ending to decades of neglected opportunities.
The fact that they were such good people is what makes this so sad. They truly deserved so much more.
But living a good life doesn’t fall in your lap just because you deserve it.
At least to some extent, you have to actively guide it in that direction.
Unfortunately, my parents didn’t take advantage of that opportunity. Instead, they let life push them in an unfortunate direction.
While there are many great things my parents did, they each neglected what should have been among their highest priorities – their health and happiness. They were so close to living a great life, but because of that neglect, they ended up so far away.
My mom’s birthday isn’t the only thing that makes me sentimental this time of year. Yesterday would have been my parents’ 58th wedding anniversary. (Yes, all within days of, and sometimes on, Thanksgiving.)
Sadly, I never saw my parents' anniversary as something to celebrate (until now – in their memory). From my point of view, they depended on each other, but also brought each other down, which never felt appropriate to celebrate.
As a teenager, maybe even earlier, I started recognizing the cause-and-effect relationship between the choices they made (or didn’t make) and the compromised quality of life they were living. It instilled in me a relentless drive to do better – to not let my own choices lead me (or anyone else) to an unhappy existence.
Honestly, it feels a bit uncomfortable to be sharing this story, and to an extent, it feels like I’m shaming my parents (which is the last thing I want to do). But I think the best way I can honor them is to use their story to inspire others.
That gives me a warm sense of appreciation, as if they’re silent partners helping Coach Kayla and I improve peoples’ lives one person at a time.
In the months after my mom passed away, “do better” rang loudly and frequently through my thoughts as I cleaned the disheveled house that was once the well-kept home I grew up in.
It wasn’t by any means a dig against my parents. Instead, it was a reflection of what could have been, coupled with an intense sense of urgency to always do the best that I can.
My hope is for "do better" to ring as an inspiring message for you, too.
Both of my parents were very intelligent people, which often leaves me wondering how and why they let all of this happen.
And it’s not just my parents whom I wonder this about. It’s common to suffer as a result of our own decisions and neglect, as if the likely consequences are just a myth. It’s part of being human.
There are a few likely reasons why this is more common than any of us would like to admit, but that’s perhaps a topic for future emails.
For now, this is about awareness – knowing the consequences of your choices, and understanding how they influence your health and happiness, for better or worse.
Every single day, you make dozens, if not hundreds, of choices that solidify the trajectory of your future.
That means you have control of the shape and direction of that trajectory. Use these choices well
And I hope it goes without saying that these choices certainly include, but go far beyond, the nutrition, exercise, and general lifestyle habits I typically talk about in this newsletter.
To the ever-present intent of doing better,
Dr. Vin
In honor of my parents, Coach Kayla and I wish you and your family a happy Thanksgiving that helps shape your trajectory in a warm and happy direction!
🆘 Need help shaping your trajectory in the right direction? Schedule a free call with Coach Kayla to learn how we can help.